I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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