I wish I could punch you in the face.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
