Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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