Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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