took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
