well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
