Christians are straight up FREAKS
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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