I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
