Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
