I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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