Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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