you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
