eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Actions speak louder than pants.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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