I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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