Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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