Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
