i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
