Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
