Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there's paper in my vomit.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
