remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just pee around me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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