I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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