You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Houston, we have a blender
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
