Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
