I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
