The maid of honor just puked.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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