Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
