I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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