I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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