I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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