if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
