My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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