I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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