Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
