Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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