you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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