remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
