At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
