Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
