Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
