my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
