so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
