Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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