Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you didnt know i had herpes?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
