My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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