He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You did what with his pubic hair?
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