And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
