God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
