isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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