Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
