he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
