why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
