My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
