he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
